I Believed That I Identified As a Lesbian - David Bowie Made Me Discover the Reality

In 2011, several years prior to the renowned David Bowie show opened at the prestigious Victoria and Albert Museum in the UK capital, I publicly announced a homosexual woman. Until that moment, I had solely pursued relationships with men, with one partner I had wed. By 2013, I found myself approaching middle age, a recently separated mother of four, making my home in the United States.

During this period, I had begun to doubt both my sense of self and sexual orientation, searching for understanding.

My birthplace was England during the early 1970s - prior to digital connectivity. When we were young, my peers and I were without social platforms or YouTube to consult when we had inquiries regarding sexuality; conversely, we looked to pop stars, and during the 80s, artists were experimenting with gender norms.

The Eurythmics singer donned masculine attire, The Culture Club frontman embraced feminine outfits, and musical acts such as popular ensembles featured artists who were publicly out.

I desired his lean physique and precise cut, his angular jaw and male chest. I aimed to personify the artist's German phase

In that decade, I spent my time riding a motorbike and dressing like a tomboy, but I went back to femininity when I decided to wed. My partner transferred our home to the US in 2007, but when the marriage ended I felt an irresistible pull revisiting the manhood I had earlier relinquished.

Considering that no artist challenged norms as dramatically as David Bowie, I decided to use some leisure time during a seasonal visit returning to England at the V&A, with the expectation that maybe he could guide my understanding.

I didn't know specifically what I was seeking when I walked into the show - possibly I anticipated that by immersing myself in the opulence of Bowie's identity exploration, I might, consequently, encounter a hint about my true nature.

Before long I was standing in front of a compact monitor where the film clip for "that track" was continuously looping. Bowie was moving with assurance in the front, looking polished in a dark grey suit, while to the side three accompanying performers dressed in drag crowded round a microphone.

Differing from the performers I had encountered in real life, these characters failed to move around the stage with the confidence of inherent stars; instead they looked bored and annoyed. Positioned as supporting acts, they were chewing and expressed annoyance at the boredom of it all.

"The song's lyrics, boys always work it out," Bowie voiced happily, appearing ignorant to their lack of enthusiasm. I felt a brief sensation of connection for the backing singers, with their heavy makeup, ill-fitting wigs and restrictive outfits.

They seemed to experience as uncomfortable as I did in feminine attire - frustrated and eager, as if they were yearning for it all to conclude. At the moment when I realized I was identifying with three men dressed in drag, one of them tore off her wig, removed the cosmetics from her face, and revealed herself to be ... Bowie! Revelation. (Of course, there were additional David Bowies as well.)

In that instant, I was absolutely sure that I desired to remove everything and emulate the artist. I wanted his narrow hips and his precise cut, his strong features and his male chest; I wanted to embody the lean-figured, Bowie's German period. And yet I couldn't, because to genuinely embody Bowie, first I would need to be a man.

Announcing my identity as homosexual was a different challenge, but transitioning was a significantly scarier possibility.

I needed additional years before I was ready. In the meantime, I made every effort to become more masculine: I abandoned beauty products and threw away all my skirts and dresses, shortened my locks and commenced using male attire.

I changed my seating posture, modified my gait, and modified my personal references, but I halted before hormonal treatment - the chance of refusal and regret had caused me to freeze with apprehension.

When the David Bowie display concluded its international run with a presentation in the American metropolis, following that period, I revisited. I had experienced a turning point. I couldn't go on pretending to be an identity that didn't fit.

Standing in front of the familiar clip in 2018, I was absolutely sure that the problem didn't involve my attire, it was my physical form. I wasn't simply a tomboy; I was a male with feminine qualities who'd been wearing drag since birth. I desired to change into the individual in the stylish outfit, performing under lights, and at that moment I understood that I was able to.

I scheduled an appointment to see a doctor shortly afterwards. The process required additional years before my personal journey finished, but not a single concern I anticipated occurred.

I continue to possess many of my traditional womanly traits, so others regularly misinterpret me for a queer man, but I'm comfortable with that outcome. I sought the ability to explore expression following Bowie's example - and given that I'm at peace with myself, I have that capacity.